Recently, I completed reading Irvin D. Yalom’s newest book, Hour of the Heart: Connecting in the Here and Now (Yalom, 2024). In this work, Yalom once again reaffirms and deepens his lifelong emphasis on the centrality of the therapeutic relationship. The book serves as a culmination of his decades of experience, offering profound reflections on how meaningful human connection remains at the core of healing.
Throughout his career, Yalom has advocated for therapists to be genuine, to bring themselves into the therapeutic encounter, and to discuss the evolving process between therapist and client. Yet, in this phase of his life and work, he takes even greater risks with self-disclosure. Having limited time, just a single session, to form an intimate connection, he invites clients to ask him deeply personal questions, promising to respond with honesty. This strategy works remarkably well for him. With 65 years of professional experience, 90 years of life wisdom, and a well-established reputation, Yalom commands authority and credibility that support this approach.
But how might this translate to coaching? Intentionality is crucial. While self-disclosure can be a powerful tool, it must be grounded in a foundation of deep trust, sincerity, and professionalism. The coach or therapist must first be trusted for their competence, confidentiality, and genuine care. Only when these elements are firmly in place can the client feel safe enough to engage vulnerably.
Likewise, coaches must extend trust to their clients, believing in their wisdom, intelligence, and capacity for growth, and treating them with profound respect and curiosity. In the early stages, this trust is largely anticipatory; it is given before sufficient evidence exists and is subsequently tested as the relationship unfolds. This anticipated trust enables openness, and through this openness, genuine trust gradually forms. Trust is not a static state; it evolves dynamically, helping both parties navigate frustrations, disappointments, and even temporary ruptures of trust.
Trust also allows for mutual presence in silence—those quiet, often uncomfortable moments from which deeper reflection and insight can emerge. Thus, trust in coaching is a dynamic interplay between the imagined trust offered at the outset and the realistic trust that is shaped by ongoing interaction.
The relationship between coach and client forms the bedrock of effective coaching. This is the first pillar. The second is the client’s motivation. The third is what the coach and client co-create during their sessions, guided by the ICF competencies, in which I continue to find ever-deeper layers of wisdom.
Coaching is a professional relationship, distinct from personal relationships in its clarity around roles, expectations, and collaboration. Managed skillfully, professional relationships involve fewer projections, more explicit boundaries, and more explicit opportunities. Yet, coaching is also a partnership, one that is intentionally and transparently co-created. It is a partnership between equals (equal in status, rights, and responsibilities). Both parties must openly negotiate the terms of their engagement, operating on the premise that if each brings their best, authentic, mature, genuine, curious selves (not perfect selves), they can achieve exponentially more together. Yet, even in this equality, distinct roles and responsibilities remain.
In coaching, neutrality and objectivity are often emphasized. But neutrality does not mean being distant or uncaring. Quite the opposite: true neutrality allows for a deeper, more genuine care, free from personal bias or agenda. It means the coach holds no personal stake in the client’s choices, honoring their agency, freedom, and responsibility. Objectivity, on the other hand, reflects the coach’s commitment to creating a safe, reflective space where clients can explore their situations and decisions from multiple perspectives, applying their best thinking and judgment.
The ICF definition of coaching and its competencies do not dictate rigid behaviors; instead, they emphasize service to the client. The coach’s role is not to please or rescue, but to support the client in their ongoing process of reflection, creativity, and self-discovery. Serving the client involves continually asking: What truly serves this client—in this moment and in the long run—to be and become whole, creative, and resourceful? The answer to this question will always be unique and evolving.
Coaches should not assume they know what clients need; instead, they should help surface these needs. If, in a given moment, the most helpful act is self-disclosure, then the coach should offer it—genuinely, courageously, and only to the extent that serves the client. Self-disclosure should never shift the focus onto the coach or disrupt the client’s intrapersonal relationship with themselves, nor should it distract them from their own exploration. Its purpose is to enrich the conversation, deepen the relationship, and foster a more profound, wholehearted dialogue.
As Kristin Neff (2011) describes, self-compassion involves recognizing our shared humanity—the understanding that challenging experiences are part of being human and, therefore, surmountable. A coach’s self-disclosure should reinforce the client’s self-compassion, self-respect, and self-confidence.
In coaching, we also hold the belief that the client is whole. However, what we witness in sessions is always only a fragment of the client’s full being. While we work with the whole person, we never fully see all of who they are, as they are constantly evolving and becoming.
The true power of the coaching relationship lies in the depth of the presence—the quality of attention, curiosity, and care that coach and client co-create. This shared presence creates the space we often reference in coaching. Within this space, awareness, curiosity, insights, alternatives, realizations, and deeper questions emerge moment by moment, shaping the client’s internal and external experiences.
Coaching, by its nature, is a creative process in which both the coach and the client are artists. The coach is the artist of the process, creating transformative space; the client is the artist of their own life, continually designing and shaping their world.
References:
Neff, K. D. (2011). Self-Compassion: The Proven Power of Being Kind to Yourself. William Morrow.
Yalom, I. D. (2024). Hour of the Heart: Connecting in the Here and Now. Harper.